Hi Money Minder,
How can I assist you today? Are you looking for tips on budgeting, tracking expenses, or perhaps advice on savings and investments? Feel free to share what you need, and I’ll do my best to help!
Alright, here’s my story. My wife and I, both 35, are pulling in more money than I ever thought possible—about $250k as a household, which is double what we made just four years ago. Yet, I’m feeling “poor” because her constant need for big ticket “essentials” is wearing me out.
Moving from our starter house in the city to our new “forever” home in the burbs has only made things worse. Don’t get me wrong, the house is gorgeous and we have awesome neighbors with kids the same age as ours. But it’s a money pit, and I’m drained trying to keep up. It feels like my wife will never be happy with our home because she’s always comparing it to the neighbors who are a) at least 5 years older, b) moved in before us so they’ve had more time for decorating and landscaping, and c) just spent more money than we did. It’s like no matter what, we’re always playing catch up, even though we’re in an amazing home and are financially better off than ever.
In just the last 18 months, we’ve shelled out $8k on a fence, $3k for window treatments for two rooms, $5k for mattresses, $4k on a second car, and another $5k for Lasik eye surgery. These were all “needs,” but it feels never-ending and keeps leading to more expensive stuff. Now she’s talking about wanting a deck and a $100k backyard. Ugh!
We are saving up a fair bit, though 80% of the retirement savings are in my accounts even though she makes 33% more than me. I just hate this feeling of constant spending when we could be securing our future better. I’ve been bringing this up with our therapist for years, but my wife just can’t seem to stop or simply doesn’t care.
The stress got so bad I had a mental health breakdown recently. Partly because of my wife’s spending, but also due to other personal issues—stress from my job, my niece turning 14 (the age I was when my dad died from obesity caused by stress), and my mom starting chemotherapy while also having a terrible financial situation despite having a paid-off house and a pension.
To be fair, it’s not all bad financially with my wife. Here’s what I appreciate: 1. She’s smart and rakes in good money 2. She never spends more than we have (no debt) 3. Her drive for more did push us to earn more, but I thought the saving would kick in after we got the new house. Sadly, it just led to lifestyle creep.
My goal is to live life to the fullest—with more focus on experiences than material things—and to teach my daughter a healthy and active lifestyle. Should I be this stressed given our financial situation? Am I just being paranoid? Maybe I need to step away from these money forums, or do I need to give my wife some kind of ultimatum to get on the same financial page if we want to stay together?
HHI (Household Income): $250,000
Monthly Net: $11,000 (after taxes, health insurance, 401(k), Health Savings Account, and Dependent Care Flexible Savings Account)
Major Expenses:
Mortgage: $4,000 (Remaining balance: $640,000, includes principal and interest, home insurance, and taxes)
Daycare: $1,300
Grocery/Gas: $600
Utilities: $400
Cleaner: $250
Cars: $0
Retirement Accounts: $152,000 (401(k), 403(b), HSA)
Cash: $20,000
Brokerage: $17,000
Monthly Retirement Savings: $3,333
Monthly Sinking Fund Savings: $800
– Financially Lost
Response from THE MONEY MINDER:
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Congratulations on your significant achievements both professionally and personally. It’s clear that you’ve worked incredibly hard to be in the strong financial position you are today. However, it’s understandable that you might feel stressed and uncertain about your financial future given the current spending patterns and your wife’s ongoing desires for home improvements.
First, it’s important to validate your feelings. The financial pressure you’re experiencing, compounded by personal stressors, is indeed a legitimate cause for concern. While your household income is substantial, lifestyle inflation and significant expenditures can quickly erode the financial security you’ve built.
A constructive and realistic approach to your situation might involve a multi-step strategy:
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Open a Dialogue with Your Wife: Communication is essential. Have a candid discussion with your wife about your financial goals and the stress you’ve been experiencing. It’s important that both of you understand each other’s perspectives and work towards a mutual agreement. Express your desire for experiences and long-term financial security over material possession upgrades.
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Set a Structured Budget: Create a detailed budget that includes not only the necessary expenses but also allocates funds towards your financial goals, such as retirement savings, an emergency fund, and educational savings for your daughter. This budget should also set limits for discretionary spending.
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Establish Financial Boundaries: Create a financial framework that allows for controlled spending on home improvements. For example, allocate a specific amount each year for these projects. This way, you can balance her desire for home upgrades while still securing your financial future.
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Seek Professional Financial Guidance: Consulting a financial advisor may provide an objective viewpoint and professional advice on how to best manage your finances. They can help in setting realistic goals, prioritizing expenditures, and ensuring that both partners are aligned in their financial journey.
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Therapeutic Collaboration: It’s commendable that you’re already in therapy. Consider involving your therapist to facilitate these financial discussions more productively. Sometimes, having a third party to mediate can ensure both partners feel heard and respected.
- Focus on Shared Goals and Values: Discuss and define common long-term financial goals together, whether that’s ensuring a comfortable retirement, saving for your daughter’s education, or setting aside for health care costs. By aligning on these goals, you both can find common ground in your spending and saving habits.
Your income provides a strong foundation for achieving financial security, but managing lifestyle upgrades with long-term financial health is key. Remember, achieving harmony within your financial decisions and stress levels is a collaborative effort. By taking these steps, you can work towards a balanced approach that satisfies both your financial security needs and your wife’s desires for home improvement, potentially alleviating much of the stress you’re currently experiencing.
Best wishes for a financially secure and fulfilling future.
THE MONEY MINDER
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